TragiComedy

All the World's a Stage

2012-02-06T18:39:00.000-08:00

Everything in time will slowly come to end
Just breathe in and out and slowly count to ten

Feel the tracks of tears get lost with years
That pass you by, you follow
All the world's a stage, you play your part
It ends with so much laughter

You'll find your way back home real soon someday
Your soul belongs to no one, your soul belongs to you

New Single

2012-01-17T20:00:00.000-08:00

We're already a couple of weeks into the new year. Hope you're having a good one so far. Mixing and mastering for the new album is almost there. Just listening to it on different players and in different places to see if it sounds decent overall.

You can't have it sounding good only on high end monitors, not that any of my equipment is high end compared to the big wigs. Getting it to sound decent over a crappy little 20 year old stereo as well as the state of the art speakers is a trial and error thing for me. Like the average person, I only use my ears to determine these sort of things. Technical stuff is beyond me.

I have chosen a single for release in February. Right now I'm trying to see if I can put a video together to coincide with it's release. I'm running a one man show here so we'll see if I can pull it off. It is both liberating and time consuming doing it on your own but it's definitely more personally rewarding.

No plans for shows yet but when the album is officially launched I'll put a showcase together.

Recording Done

2011-11-27T21:38:00.000-08:00

After about a year and a half of recording, or rather learning how to record on my own while recording, the album is done. Right now I am editing and mixing and trying to get it to flow like how an album should.

I am a fan of songs rather than albums by bands and artists that I like but there is nothing like a full album that takes you on a ride from beginning to end. So far there is a sort of ethereal vibe to it, as a friend pointed out recently. Looks like 10 songs will make it onto the album. There were close to 18 songs recorded but as most people who record will tell you, not everything you come up with will end up on an album.

Once all the mixing and post-production is done, I'll probably do a video and release a single before the album is released. All this will happen early next year. You can't rush these things and compromise the quality. No one is banging down the door for a TragiComedy album so I am going to take my time. You should always do it for yourself, first and foremost.

If you've been listening to the songs I have already uploaded, you'll know the album will not sound like the last one. I am in a different place now than I was 6 years ago, so naturally even the songs will be different. However, it is still very much me because I played every instrument and recorded, arranged and produced everything on my own. It feels liberating not having to rely on anyone but myself, flaws and all.

New Material

2011-08-09T01:04:00.000-07:00

Considering I hardly update this page, I'm not surprised that hardly anyone checks in here anymore. However I will still update it periodically for people wondering if there is any new music available.

Work and family life are kicking my butt these days. I don't micro-manage anything but there are ways of doing things that help me get by. Let's just say when I have to do something, it normally gets done. I can only talk about it for so long.

I've always said that writing songs is easy but recording is hard work. Doing it right and making it sound great isn't easy especially when you're recording in your spare bedroom with minimal equipment. It can work and sound like a million bucks if done right but it can also sound like a train wreck. I don't demo my songs because I either record it well or let it go because it all takes effort. Plus there is no point recording anything more than once. You should move on to the next song if it doesn't work. That is what I have been doing.

The new song "Shadows" has been uploaded so check it out. It is a little different with the 6/8 time signature guitar riff and verse but it is still just another exercise in songwriting for me. It started out as a guitar instrumental but I managed to come up with a melody and some stream of consciousness lyrics for it.

Mixing it was a nightmare though. The guitar textures and layering were challenging because there were a lot of little parts intertwined. Getting the right tone and blend takes time. I'm not a recording engineer, producer or mixer but I know the sound I want and I strive for it even if it takes me forever.

Usually when I don't get it right I just leave the song and move on. Sadly a few songs have turned out that way. I might send them to someone else to mix if I feel the songs are worth putting out. However I see no point in spending good money on something unless I'm going to release it commercially. We'll see how it goes.

Email me at: amitabh@tragicomedysongs.com if you want to download any of the songs or get a copy of the last album. Or just drop me a line and give some suggestions on what type of songs to explore and write.

Lyrics

2011-04-19T01:12:00.001-07:00

I really don't spend that much time on lyrics. It's usually the music that is time consuming for me. I normally write whatever I'm feeling at that moment. Sometimes it's stream of consciousness and sometimes it may be something I'm going through. If I listen back to it and don't cringe, then I keep it. Sometimes I do change it around a fair bit.

"Never Lonely" for example was a song I wrote for my wife before we got married 7 years ago. It's the first "love" song I had ever written. My songs before that tended to be a little darker, especially during the time with my previous band AmIgone.

Someone put up the lyrics for "Never Lonely" online a while back and as usual they got it wrong. Even the people who try to sing it get it wrong. The chorus is almost always sung wrong by whoever is singing along to it.

Honestly, I'm happy anyone would sing along to the song. The fact that the song got on the radio and a whole bunch of people know it, is in itself awesome for me.

Anyway, if you want to get those two lines in the chorus right, here it is:

"I would never only watch the time pass by
I am never lonely with you here by my side"

Nothing could be simpler...

Check one of the previous post for the full lyrics.

Siddhartha

2011-03-25T23:56:00.000-07:00

"I have had to experience so much stupidity, so many vices, so much error, so much nausea, disillusionment and sorrow, just in order to become a child again and start anew. I had to experience despair, I had to sink to the greatest mental depths, to thoughts of suicide, in order to experience grace."

- SIDDHARTHA. HERMAN HESSE

Siddhartha is one of my favourite books. It is not about the Buddha, as some people who haven't really read it might think. The story is parallel to it but it is really about a guy who took a different decadent path but came back to the same place. Basically it's about finding your own way and learning through your own pain in order to become wiser. At the end of the day attaining peace and freedom is all we want. And the only freedom in life is freedom from desire.

Mixing

2011-02-17T20:14:00.000-08:00

I keep tweaking the mix to the songs I've put up. Honestly, the whole recording solo thing is trial and error like I said before. I'm not even using a proper DAW(Digital Audio Workstation). What I use is the Riffworks software on my PC. It's just a guitar player/ songwriter's tool for laying down riffs and song arrangements really fast. You don't need to learn audio engineering or even read instructions. Great for people like me who hate wasting time on technical stuff. Who has the time anyway these days?

There are another four tracks to be added to "The Jester, The Clown and a Fool" set. It will be a seven song concept thing with an extra instrumental or two thrown in. I have a few instrumentals with the electric sitar and string arrangements. It was all recorded last year but I am still having trouble with certain arrangements. Eventually it will see the light of day when I am satisfied I can't do any better.

Lately I have been playing a lot of the acoustic again. Everything I am going to record following this will be acoustic. It will be just really bare bones material with maybe a double tracked acoustic guitar and some percussion. I am going to avoid going for the full band vibe thing because I actually enjoy playing solo these days.

Deftones

2011-02-16T06:43:00.001-08:00

The Deftones are one of those bands I always check out when they put out an album. Curiously their stuff is always the same but different, if that makes sense. It's like a friend who changes over the years but is still very much the same person you've always liked.

I remember when I was studying in Buffalo, New York back in the 90's I missed the Warped Tour with them playing. There was a buzz about them on the first album but I only really got into them with the second album when they slowly found their sound.

Valentine's this year was special because I finally got to see them play. It was awesome and exceeded my expectations. The energy was incredible. The whole band was great but I was impressed with the presence of Chino, their front man. He didn't have to say much or pander to the crowd. The dude just did his stuff and sang his ass of and I have to say I am a bigger fan now than ever.

I recorded most of the show on my H1 Handy Recorder. It's a better souvenir and keepsake than any t-shirt I could have bought. I'll be playing it for my kid when he gets older. He already likes the song "Be Quiet and Drive (Far Away)". I played it once in the car while driving him and he wanted to listen to it over and over. Kids are like that. If they hear a song they like, they want to listen to it over and over again...well, my boy anyway. The only song of mine he wants to listen to over and over again is "Death Defying Stunt". It's great because it's a song I wrote for him. The fact that it's one of the heavier songs I've written doesn't bother him.

New Year's Resolution

2010-12-31T06:32:00.000-08:00

My new year's resolution is to quit wasting my time trying to force myself to put out another album. There are a million better things to do after work in my spare time like just playing the guitar for the sake of it or just spending my evenings playing with my kid and watching DVDs after he goes to sleep.

I'll put up all the songs I have recorded one by one once I am sufficiently satisfied with the mix and production quality. It will never be perfect so brace yourself for imperfection. Stuff like "that ride cymbal is too loud or vocals are not up front enough" gets old. I have a hundred songs to slowly work through so I need to move on. It will get better believe me.

I am getting a little long in the tooth to be bothered about selling CDs or getting a song on the radio anymore so if I come up with something I think is worth letting other people listen to, I will just post it up here.

Will try to put up a new song every month to clear the backlog of songs accumulated. Have a great 2011!

Concept

2010-12-07T00:19:00.000-08:00

"The Jester, The Clown and A Fool" is actually a seven song suite or you could categorize it as a long song made up of seven parts that ties together. It is over half and hour long so it is not an EP. To be honest it is all trial and error because I am new to recording and mixing on my own. It could take a while but I'll get there.

The concept of the new songs is loosely based on "The Stranger" by Albert Camus. I'm not going to explain the story or philosophy involved. It might bore you but it's not as pretentious as you think because it's mainly existentialist and part of everyday life. You can Wikipedia Albert Camus if you're interested. He's a great writer. The stoic and absurd aspects of the story are what I used in the songs because that is what I relate to in my own life.

These days I find that explaining things takes away from the personal aspect of any endeavor for me. At the end of the day it's just music with words put to it. Writing in the second or third person is something new for me. I am normally a first person narrative kind of guy but I guess there is a combination of both on these songs.

Will put another song up soon as a teaser once I get a mix I am happy with.

Never Lonely

2010-11-20T07:47:00.000-08:00

There is a site online that posts lyrics of popular songs and usually they get the lyrics spot on but for my song "Never Lonely" it was way off. I am embarrassed to post the link here, that's how bad it is.

Anyway here are the full lyrics. Yes, it's a cheesy love song. It's the first love song I ever wrote after years of writing dozens of "dark" songs.

Never Lonely

I won't fail to notice
I've got you right here by my side
I won't be so lonely
I've got you right here by my side

I would never only watch the time pass by
I am never lonely with you here by my side
I won't let it show but girl I love you so

Let it flow so easy
But love's blind and we don't see eye to eye
I guess life's so crazy
It's not right to give in to the lie

I would never only watch the time pass by
I am never lonely with you here by my side
I won't let it show but girl I love so

It all seems so easy
So just smile and be happy all time
It all sounds so cheesy
To be kind and to live life color blind

I am never lonely
Cause you are with me only
We'll move on down slowly
And we can make it easy

I would never only watch the time pass by
I am never lonely with you here by my side

Soundscaping

2010-09-21T23:07:00.000-07:00

Soundscaping is like a drug to me these days. Music is a great coping mechanism. Guitar is my instrument of choice but it is not about the instrument really. It’s about what you hear in your head that puts you in a place to want to create. I have responsibilities and a day job that I have attend to everyday that drains me, to be honest. So having a creative outlet like music is like being let out of jail a few hours a day.

I have started experimenting with recording and other sounds other than just the guitar. Working with loops and samples and tweaking them to suit my needs is a whole lot of fun. Not having to work around someone else's schedule is also liberating. I miss playing in a band but I don’t miss waiting around for other people. Call me selfish or impatient but every minute I waste waiting for someone just kills my ideas and creativity.

Loop based recording is a Godsend. Playing the same thing twice is a waste of time. I only do that when I have to perform live. I would rather be working on another hook that adds to the song. Time is a factor as well because I only have a few hours a day to work on recording. I need to sleep too. Plus I have a boy who demands all my time when he's awake. So playing something tight and technically sound for 8 bars is all I am willing to lay down if it is a recurring part.

As a result I find myself layering and adding more textures since I don’t waste time unnecessarily. Even in the family business that I work at, it is always about the bigger picture, not that small part that will get people all worked up because it is not quite perfect. If everything works together as a whole, that is all that matters.

Most of the songs will be done by the end of the year hopefully. I am learning while recording and doing it solo, so it will take time. No one is helping me with any of this, which is good because I can test myself a little more and come up with weirder stuff without someone telling me it doesn't work. I'm not fixing a car here so don't tell me something doesn't work. I am a loner anyway so it suits me not having to deal with anyone but my own demons while I come up with something that hopefully will be worth listening to.

The Jester, The Clown and The Fool

2010-08-06T01:12:00.000-07:00

I think I have the title for the next album. "The Jester, The Clown and The Fool" is actually the name of one of the new songs but I think it ties into the direction of the whole album. More on that later. These days I write music independently of the lyrics. Some of the lyrics are adapted from stuff I have written over the years. A few songs are straight out of a short novella that I wrote a while back but will probably never publish only because it has gone past it's sell by date. It's all on the external hard drive somewhere. Anyway most of this is an exercise in me trying to exorcise my demons and be a better person, nothing else. Won't be of interest to anyone else.

Recording has been slow but it has been moving along lately. Basic tracks for six songs are almost done. I'm working on the vocals. There are only so many hours in a day for me to work on it. Work and family life takes precedence. Quite honestly I stop recording when I feel as if I have to force myself to do it. However I need to develop a work ethic regarding the music or else I will never finish it.

The songs keep changing too. There is an EP of six acoustic songs and an album of at least 10 fully produced rock songs that are in various stages of production. These days it is quite easy for me to just record an idea because I just plug in and play into my laptop. But the delay comes in adding all the other bits that make it work. It will get done but it will have to be as good as the last album before I release anything. I am not gonna release demos.

The full album looks like it might have a concept going on. Years ago I wanted to do something that explored the subject matter in The Myth of Sisyphus by Camus...the absurd man and so on. I had a few songs but didn't get very far. Now it seems a lot of the songs tie into that sort of thing, so I'll see if it works. They are still just normal conventional songs. I am not the prog-rock type that will drag a song to 8 minutes just to make it look like an epic. For me it is the album as a whole that will speak for itself. It has to be fun to listen to. I approach it like watching a movie that is entertaining but has a little something extra that lingers on long after you watch it. That is how I want the album to turn out, a soundtrack that plays in my head while I live my life. Songs that I would want to listen to forever.

New direction in songwriting...

2010-05-15T01:53:00.000-07:00

I don't usually record everything that I come up with. If I did, I'd have 300 songs by now. Actually, a lot of the stuff I come up with is so far left field that the average person probably wouldn't like it. Even I can't bear to listen to it after a day or two because I am the kind who needs accessible hooks in songs to pull me in. Guitar meanderings are fun but unless it can be used in a catchy song, there is really no point to it.

I can get experimental with my guitar playing at times but my songwriting is pretty conventional. People who think they are trying to re-invent the wheel are just the sort of pretentious music snobs that I stay away from. I have been playing for over 20 years, since I was 12 - yes I am in my mid-30's - and I can tell you for a fact that music hasn't gotten any better. Everything these days sounds like it was written by the same person.

To be honest I have no big agenda with my music. In fact, I am not really interested in putting out another album commercially or trying to get a song on the radio anymore. However, I do feel the need to document the songs so that I have something to look back on later on in life when I play nothing but jazz and blues in my rocking chair.

So record them all I surely will. In fact, these days I feel a song has to sound good stripped down first. You can produce it however well you want but if the lyrics don't make any sense and the music doesn't evoke some sort of feeling, then what's the point.

Death Defying Stunt

2010-02-04T21:45:00.000-08:00

I'll have to get a live drummer to replace the drums for Death Defying Stunt when I get a chance. I just got the Drumcore software and they have session drummers like Matt Cameron and Stephen Perkins on there, so hopefully that is another option.

Here are lyric excerpts from Death Defying Stunt

Death Defying Stunt

Welcome son let us follow
This lifetime won't leave us tomorrow

Yeah, it's cold outside
Your warm embrace won't always save you
Live your life with smoke and mirrors
Life is just your death defying stunt

Only truth we know is death and taxes kills us all
But it's all a front
It don't mean nothing till we find a way
To make some sense of where we are today
Don't be afraid to live your life like it's your last
Cause life is just your death defying stunt

Been living much too long it seems
Are we just killing time
It's not too hard for us to see
We're living blind

Hey, we're death defying
Hey, let's death defy it

Year End Update

2009-12-18T21:12:00.000-08:00

This year has passed by in a haze. Nothing seems to have changed in general although my boy has already started talking and I am finally getting somewhere with my new music. My music and my boy are tied together. I have Sidd to thank for lighting the fire in me to make music again. The way things are with music in this country it is a waste of time to pursue a commercial avenue with it. But that shouldn't stop me from making music and recording.

My best work is still ahead. You haven't heard anything yet. I have new music playing all day in my head and there aren't enough hours in the day for me to put it down. My guitar playing has also gotten better. My fingers are calloused and can do things it couldn't a year ago. Nothing gives me more freedom than playing the guitar. The guitar is my drug and mistress. I have become a guitar addict.

The guitar was my best friend growing up too. I wasn't the most social kid even though I grew up in a boarding school and had a lot of friends and people to deal with. When I wasn't on the football field I was in my room alone just noodling on the guitar. More often I just explored the fretboard and came up with my own stuff rather than play songs. I was learning by trial and error. That was always more fun.

I became a songwriter by default because people were always asking me if that was my song I was playing. The truth was I wasn't really thinking. I just played what sounded good to me and I guess it became part of me. Taste has something to do with it. Anyone can play the guitar but it takes taste and intuition to come up with music that is listenable.

Although I am not interested in releasing my music commercially anymore, I am happy to be able to share it with my son and the people who like it. I will be putting up all my future songs for free download. There will be volumes of stuff when I get done with it.

At the end of the day looking at my boy bop his head while I play him a new tune is enough to make me feel good. I don't need to play Rock the World for 20,000 people anymore or have a video on TV like a few years ago to be fulfilled because I've been there and done that. It's overrated. Staying home and playing with the kid is so much better.

The new single "Death Defying Stunt" is on it's way to being mixed. I am happy with it so far. Listening to it gives me a new lease of life. Wait for it. It rocks!!!

Done

2009-10-06T20:02:00.000-07:00

After years of writing my book on and off, I think I am done with it. It has resolved itself. Now comes the slow process of editing. Ideally it would be great to find a proper editor to go through it, but that seems a bit far fetched.

I am happy with the arch of the story and the how I was able to tell it. Now it's about cutting out the unnecessary bits that will make it flow faster. I am no Hemingway but like him I try to keep my prose simple and let the story and characters draw you in. Of course you might not be in the least bit interested in the subject matter or where the story goes but I am happy with the way it turned out. I am glad I took my time.

Now that the book is done I am working on my next album. Being scatterbrained never helped anyone. I am glad I did one thing at a time without putting pressure on myself. Having no publishing or record company breathing down my neck is great. I am my own boss. Unless someone is going to give you a huge contract and take care of you and champion your music, there is no point in selling your soul away by signing any deals. Do it on your own with whatever resources you have.

Recording

2009-10-01T23:19:00.001-07:00

I have been spending hours each night after my boy sleeps writing songs and just practicing the guitar in preparation for recording. One thing I realize is that music is just part of me and the guitar is my best friend. That has been the case since my early teens. Part of me will always be the anti-social boy who would rather spend his days in the room noodling on the guitar rather than go out and do anything else.

My new songs are more adventurous but not too far out to be experimental. Experimental usually means unlistenable to me. That is one place I won't go. I have always tried my best to find hooks and catchy chords or melodies to carry the song so people will find at least something interesting about it. My voice is average at best. My guitar playing is utilitarian and not fancy but I can do certain things that are distinctive to me that I don't hear anyone else doing. You'll have to hear my songs to know what I'm talking about.

Lately I have been practicing different techniques on the guitar that I want to use when I record. They require some technical ability in order to be played cleanly and accurately. Recording requires precision. I am sloppy most of the time because I normally only play when I am writing a song rather than just to improve my guitar playing for it's own sake. But now I am doing both and I find it gives me a sense of purpose.

The next hurdle is trying to record everything on my own. New technology has made things easier. People are making music on their laptops these days so I don't see why I can't do the same. Equipment is also becoming more affordable. Recording at home will give me more flexibility. I don't have to waste time travelling to the studio. These days I don't even want to leave the house unless I have to. I have everything need at home.

Guitar!!!

2009-07-11T01:39:00.000-07:00

My boy Siddharth and I were watching something on TV recently when he turned to me and said "itar". I can't remember what band was playing but I looked at him puzzled at first. He gave me a frown, got off the sofa, went to his playpen and pointed to his toy guitar and said "itar" again. Then I realized he was referring to the guitar the guy was playing on TV.

It is another major milestone for him and he knew it as well because he was grinning and going around the whole day saying it. Whenever he says something we understand he seems more happy than usual.

I am still waiting for him to say car because he keeps pointing to it and saying Papa. Anything that has to do with me is mostly Papa to him. Even the guitar was Papa not long ago.

Because of Sid I have been playing more guitar than usual. He is the one who keeps me on my toes by pointing to it, wanting me to play. If I don't humour him he starts making noise. Normally I play him the "Tigger and Pooh" theme song or "Twinkle Little Star" but now I have come up with a bluesy theme song just for him since he likes to groove to a good rhythm. He could be a drummer the way he taps his hands and feet in time.

Now even when he is asleep at night, I am in my little room downstairs working on some new songs and playing for the fun of it. Somehow he has gotten me interested in playing again. Before he came along all my guitars were collecting dust in the store room.

My grandmother and Michael Jackson

2009-07-04T01:42:00.001-07:00

The death of Michael Jackson made me think a lot about my grandmother. That might seem odd to a person who doesn't know me but my fondest childhood memories are definitely tied to her and Michael Jackson.

Thriller was the first album that I ever owned. I was 9 years old at the time and I played that tape everyday, all day until it wore out and then I went out and bought another one and another one..

My grandmother used to love to see me do the moonwalk. She would give me RM10 to do the moves for her in our living room with the music playing in the background. That gave me more money to buy more tapes. $10 was a lot of money for a kid back then. I had never been so excited about anything before so she wanted to share my excitement.

I was never an extroverted child and was always a bit shy. However when the music came on I always did my thing. She became a Michael Jackson fan because I was a Michael Jackson fan. That was all we talked about at one point. What a wonderful grandmother she was to indulge a kid like that!!!

She might not be around anymore but I think about her all the time. No one ever made me feel more loved than she did. Life was simple and uncomplicated back then.

As for Michael Jackson, the fact that he created a bond between a child and his grandmother is enough reason for me to always be his fan. It is a big loss to the world that he is no longer able to do that for other people. But his music is timeless and will live on long after we are all gone.

My boy is going to be dancing to "Beat it" one day, I know that for sure. When Billie Jean came on in the car the other day he was grooving to the bassline and smiling at me already.

Papa!

2009-06-21T22:15:00.000-07:00

Siddharth is 14 months old now. He babbles all day and seems to have inherited his mum's talkativeness. Right now the only word he says clearly and repeatedly all day is "Papa". I have heard him say "Mama" a few times along with a few other words but for some reason all he wants to say these days is Papa. He wakes me up in the morning by pulling my blanket and saying Papa.

When I ask him where is my car is he points to it and says Papa. When he wants me to play guitar for him he walks to the room where I keep it and says Papa. He even refers to the keys and the door as Papa because he points to it, looks at me and wants me to take him out.

I wonder why a lot of kids say Papa before Mama or Mummy. From what I have read the first word most kids say is Dada. My wife might be a bit jealous from hearing Papa all day but it is only a matter of time before he starts saying everything else and talking properly. Sometimes it sounds like he is trying to have a conversation with us already. He understands almost everything we say now. When I tell him to do something, he knows what I am talking about. Whether he wants to follow what I say is another matter.

It's becoming more fun as he grows older. He is a happy boy most of the time and smiles easily at everyone who will play with him. If he could only settle down once in while or have a good nap and also sleep through the night, we would have the perfect boy. Right now he still needs to run himself ragged and fight sleep before he settles down.

Necessity, the mother of invention

2009-06-01T20:31:00.000-07:00

Plato's Republic is one of the most influential works of philosophy and political theory because of it's dialogue on the meaning of justice and society as well as Theory of Forms, the place of poetry, and the immortality of the soul. His famous allegory of the cave did wonders to illustrate our nature and how we go from seeing shadows projecting things from outside the cave to actually going out and seeing the real thing.

I am not going to discuss the Republic in detail because honestly, I can only remember parts of it, and whoever is reading this will probably roll their eyes, call me pretentious, and fall asleep anyway. However, some of the stuff from it does relate to my life.

Anyone who says studying philosphy is useless is probably an accountant who's idea of a meaningful life is auditing other people's companies until midnight or an ambulance chasing lawyer whose idea of literature is Dan Brown novels. Neither of them are happy or enlightened I can assure you. I am not either but at least I know that I am not.

Anyway, my old buddy Plato hit the nail on the head when he said, "necessity is the mother of invention." That is something I can really relate to. Discipline is not my strong suit. I normally do things out of necessity and only when they need to be done rather than just for the sake of doing it.

However, I will travel great distances, carry a few heavy sample bags and sell more goods than any of the salesmen who work for my company, when the time calls for it. I am no born salesman but I find my own way of doing it because if there's a will, the way will present itself. My livelihood depends on it after all. I have a family to feed.

Although I used to apologize about being a scatterbrain and borderline ADD case in the past, these days I don't waste my time doing it. There are other things to concern myself with. I know "what" I have to do and "when" I have to do it. The "how" is where the invention comes in and that can be fun. Everyone has their own way of doing things.

Taking care of my son has also made me step my game a little bit more. My wife has gone back to work so I am helping out more than I used to. Changing diapers, bathing him or washing the shit from his ass is easier than some people make it look. My wife normally does it but when I have to do it, it is done in record time, before the kid has time to make noise and resist.

My son can already understand instructions these days even though he may protest loudly. I never waste time negotiating with him. All I tell him is, the faster I wash and change him, the faster he can go run around and play. Grabbing him and doing a fast job of it is the only way for me. It works because lately he sits quietly till I'm done. He sometimes gives an amusing look as if to tell me, "that's not how mummy does it". Well, "I am not mummy am I? You can give mummy a hard time later but for now sit quietly and don't make me have to wrestle you."

We still have his "terrible two" phase to look forward to. I am trying to build myself up to handle it. He is still not a good sleeper. His mum has been co-sleeping with him. That was her idea and it does work to some extent but it has made him more attached to her, especially at night. He still needs to suckle for comfort. If it was up to me the controlled crying would have solved the problem months ago.

The upside of it is that he is still being breastfed. It would be great if we could keep doing it till he turns two at least. He's a lucky boy. I was only breastfed for a few months as a baby because my mother was already pregnant with my sister when I was three months old so it disrupted her lactation. My wife was never breastfed at all as a baby. It wasn't encouraged in the Chinese community back then apparently.

We know better now of course. So that is why she is so determined to give our boy all the extra nourishment he deserves. She is already expressing her milk at work so she can make sure he is fed while he is at the nursery. It is necessary to find ways and be inventive when you're a mother because necessity after all is the mother of invention, like Plato said.

Nursery

2009-05-23T00:20:00.000-07:00

We started sending our boy Siddharth to a nursery recently and he took to it quite well after a while. Naturally, the first few days involved a lot of crying. His mother was crying too although it was done discreetly in the car. How can you not cry when you have to leave your child crying with someone else and just walk away as if it's not a big deal?

I was told that some fathers cry too but I didn't allow the waterworks to start in my case because I kept thinking I was going to see him in a few hours anyway. What's wrong with letting him play and make new friends. It's not like I am leaving him at an orpahanage never to see him again. But having said that I felt apprehensive enough to want to go back and wait outside the gate at the nursery or equip the place with CCTV cameras just to check in with what's going on.

Sidd settled in fast and seemed to be enjoying himself until he came down with a runny nose and cough which was then followed by a terrible viral fever. Just before that he also came down with diarrhoea. All that happened in the first two weeks. I guess he wasn't used to the germs lurking in the place.

Swapping germs and catching illnesses is the biggest downside to sending your child to a nursery. Siddharth has a habit of putting things in his mouth and licking things. It's hard to control unless your eyes are on him all the time. Even then he will throw a tantrum if you stop him from doing anything. Keeping the place clean might help but there are so many kids in a nursery and you can't possibly sterilise every area 24/7.

If you've ever had your child sick, you know it's a nightmare. It's bad enough when it's a runny nose and a cough. When the high fever starts suddenly in the middle of the night, you can't help but panic a little. In Sid's case the fever came very suddenly and it went up to 104degrees. It was his first time running a high fever so we panicked.

Giving him paraceutemal and sponging him down to cool his body is all you can do to bring his temperature down. There were a few tough nights having to deal with that. I am glad we invested in a good thermal thermometer and had the paraceutemal ready.

It turned out that he had the roseola virus because his face was covered with some sort of heat rash after the fever subsided. Apparently that is a classic symptom or roseola. The doctor said it is nothing to worry about and is very common. The only thing to do is to monitor his temperature and keep it down. Febrile fits are only known to happen when the fever is allowed to get too high.

He still has a runny nose and is still coughing today but at least his fever hasn't come back. We just have to let it run it's course. It good for his immune system to fight these things off. He is will be stronger for it but quite honestly I would rather not have to deal with the fever again.

Resilience

2009-04-21T23:01:00.000-07:00

Lately, I have been wondering if it is at all possible to preserve the happiness and resilience that a child has. We all know how miserable life can be when we grow up and have to deal with unreasonable situations and people you would rather not have anything to do with. It is impossible not to hate certain things and if you're like me chances are the things that you hate will rub off on you and make you a cynical bastard. The glass will start to seem half-empty rather than half-full. After that you will probably just do what it takes to get by rather than be optimistic about the dreams that you want to achieve. A mole hill will seem like a mountain and you are Sisyphus trying to push the rock up repeatedly.

Some people may call it reality and part of growing up or being practical while others might see it as creating imaginary obstacles for yourself. I don't know, psychobabble bores me these days. I am too old to be blaming my parents or others for how I turned out. Maybe I am just built to be predisposed to misery.

My concern now is to make sure my boy doesn't turn out the way I did. I am no serial killer or menace to society but I can be downright unpleasant when things bother me. Rather than solve the problem I sometimes make it worse. I am working on that and am getting a bit better at making the best out of unpleasant situations rather than rant about it unnecessarily. Taking myself out of the equation and thinking about someone else's wellbeing helps a lot.

For now I am just marveling at my boy's fearlessness and sense of wonder. The boy seems happy at even the smallest things sometimes. He is already walking faster than I can and was even showing natural ability when kicking his little ball around the living room the other day. I didn't teach him that, he just did it on his own. The trick is to let him be free to do his thing and help him if he is in a tight corner. Why get in the way of a happy child doing his thing? Just stand there and enjoy it. Let him fall and get up on his own.

Right now he gets up almost as fast as he falls. There is no fear or second guessing involved. The more obstacles you put in his way the more he wants to get past it. It is a trait most kids have from what I have read. However most of them lose it as they grow up. I can only hope my boy stays that way because it will make adulthood a little easier for him. There are a lot of obstacles up ahead. Resilience would be a wonderful trait to have.

Birthday Boy!!!

2009-04-13T21:33:00.000-07:00

Siddharth turned last one last week and announced it by walking from one end of the living room to the other, on his own. Without me holding him and getting in the way he moves freely and is a lot happier. At this age all he wants is the freedom to practise his newly acquired skill.

It's fun to have an active kid who likes to move and play all the time. When he is happy, smiling and laughing away, there is no greater joy. But when he is in one of his moods then you just have to ignore him or find something to distract him and calm him down. Lately he has introduced some high pitched screams into his repertoire of things to grate on us and get our attention. It is cute only for a while. If he goes on and on, like when he's fussy and overtired, then we are in for a long day.

We had a small birthday party for him with family and friends last weekend. He was probably wondering what the fuss was all about but he seemed pleased with his fancy Pocoyo themed cake and presents. The cake looked impressive but the poor boy didn't get to taste much of it because his mum is reluctant to introduce sugar into his diet too soon. Hopefully by his next birthday he will make up for it by grabbing a chunk and making a mess of it like kids always do.

Best laid plans..

2009-03-25T00:40:00.000-07:00

The whole controlled crying idea of mine was halted in it's tracks by my wife and mother-in law before I could even try it for one night. I tried my best to go through with it, even really psyching myself up and doing all the research I could beforehand. Best laid plans always go awry and in my case even before I had a chance to do anything.

My boy's molars are coming in one by one. So that is the cause of the disruption of his sleep and wakeful nights, according to my wife. It would be cruel for us to just let him cry when all he wants is to be comforted during his painful moments.

I still think that most of the time he cries for attention and is unable or unwilling to settle himself to sleep without us being there. The teething is one thing but sometimes he smiles and want to play at 4am. That surely is unacceptable.

He will be a year old in a couple of weeks. His teething will continue for another few more months at least, maybe even longer. I have a very patient wife who is willing to nurse him back to sleep every night no matter how many times he wakes up. She is a saint and he is very lucky but I doubt if that is going to teach him proper sleeping habits.

It won't be long before he can walk himself out of the room and do whatever he wants. If he can't sleep through the night by then, we might have a real problem. Just imagine us fast asleep and him walking around being a hazard to himself. That is a scary thought.

Controlled crying

2009-03-06T20:52:00.000-08:00

It looks like I have no choice but to employ controlled crying to get my boy to fall asleep on his own. He has not slept through the night since he was born. It will be difficult and might take a few days or a week according to what I have read. Heartbreaking as it will be, my wife and I have no choice but to do it. We were expecting him to gradually fall asleep by himself and sleep through the night by now but that is just not going to happen.

Waking up frequently and not going to sleep easily is already second nature to him. He has had great difficulty with colic, reflux and teething. It has been one thing after another since he was born. All these things break the sleep cycle. Now that he can crawl and stand it's like he doesn't want to miss out on the fun by sleeping at all no matter how tired he is.

Sleep begets sleep and lack of sleep equals a wired and demanding child who just doesn't want to settle down. That's what we've been dealing with for the past 11 months. Unless you have been in the same position as us you will not understand the toll that it takes after a while. My wife can't remember the last time she slept more than 4 hours a night.

Now that our boy can crawl and stand it is even more difficult for us because he will get up and want to crawl out of the room the minute he wakes up in the middle of the night. And when you try to put him back down he will fight and wrestle with you. He wants to be free to move without being put back down.

I am all for my child being free to move and explore his surroundings, but not at the ungodly hour of 4am. Sometimes he will cry for two hours resisting sleep while my wife tries to put him back down. She is the only one who can get him to sleep at night. If I pick him up he wants me to carry him out of the room to play.

There are hundreds of articles on babies with sleeping problems online. I have probably read all of them. There is no easy solution than to let them cry it out everynight until they learn to settle down on their own. We have already tried it a few times only to abort it because we don't have the heart to listen to our baby cry uncontrollably for more than half and hour. Just five minutes feels like hell. It's excruciating in case you don't know.

Even our paediatrician says it doesn't hurt babies to cry it out. That is the only way they can learn sometimes. In fact, if they cry it out and fall asleep on their own they will wake up happier because they learn to sleep longer eventually. A well rested baby is a happy baby. If you give in to their cries it will become a self-perpetuating cycle that will continue until the child grows older. They will only become spoiled and cranky all the time expecting you to give in to their tantrums.

It'll be tough but I am going to have to bite the bullet and do the controlled crying, starting tonight. I will probably get opposition from my in-laws and wife after a while because like I said, who can bear a baby crying inconsolably for any length of time. I myself will probably give in. But we need to sleep so it's better to suffer now and get some sleep later. All of us need to sleep or else someone is bound to go crazy one day.

Frugal times

2009-02-02T21:45:00.001-08:00

It is not an exaggeration to say we have to pay to live. That's why they call it "cost of living." Even when you're dead there are costs to be met, as in funeral expenses and such. Unless you have a lot to live for it can almost make you wonder what's the point of it all.

The more comfortably you want to live, the more bills you have to pay. If you are lucky enough to make ends meet and save for the next generation then you are ahead of a lot of people. A large population of the world still live hand to mouth.

I am glad I still have a steady income and can pay the bills and take care of my wife and son. It is not something I take for granted. These are tough times but I am not going to complain. It could be a lot worse. People are getting laid off left and right all around he world.

Apart from eating out less and ignoring the things that need to be fixed in the house, I don't know what else I can do to be frugal. My entertainment expenses have been slashed. I am no longer spending money recording music or buying equipment and guitars. Books and cds are too expensive these days, so unless it is something I really need to have it will have to wait or be forgotten.

Actually, if you really think about it, we really need very little to live. It is what we want that does us in. Desire and craving for things that are beyond our means is what creates problems. That is why some people are in debt and living on their credit cards. I hope that never happens to me although it could easily happen if I don't watch it.

I wish I had saved more money when I was single but to be honest I wasn't making much back then. These days even though I am making a lot more, it is still damn near impossible to hold on to anything after everythings is paid for. Sometimes I wonder where it all goes. However, if I sit down and really calculate properly it is very obvious.

I guess it all comes down to management. I need to manage my life and finances a little better. I wouldn't want my kid to have nothing in the future just because I wasn't good at managing things now.

Siddharth's first New Year.

2008-12-25T23:56:00.000-08:00

It is an exciting time in my life. This is the first year that my wife and I can say that we have our own little family because of the addition of our boy. Before we were only a couple.

Siddharth will be graduating from crawling to walking and running in no time. We will have to grow eyes at the back of our head. The boy is getting to be more of a livewire by the day. Making sure he stays in one piece and not be a hazard to himself is a full-time job. We will need another pair of eyes to keep an eye on him now that my mother in-law is unable to spend much time with us.

We'll manage no matter what. My wife has superhuman endurance when it comes to her boy. Lack of sleep and tiredness will not get in her way of enjoying her time with him. I am trying my best to put in quality time at home and live up to my responsibilities at work as well. Expenses are mounting and bills need to be paid.

I have kept up the personal diary that I started at the beginning of the year. Every significant thing that happened has been recorded and there were a lot of them this year. It would be impossible for me to remember them all if I hadn't written them down.

Not letting history repeat itself

2008-12-19T23:36:00.000-08:00

Many men draw on their experiences with their fathers when they become fathers of their own. They start to mimic and echo what their fathers did with them when they were small. Some even start sounding exactly like their fathers.

I don't think I am anything like my father. My old man was and is the detached type who would only talk to me if he needed to. When you grow up with someone like that you will definitely feel distant from them.

I personally need to keep the people I love close to me because otherwise I would be lost. That is why I don't stray far from my wife and son. I need something to live for other than myself. Otherwise it will be an empty and meaningless existence for me.

Nowadays, it takes more than just providing to be a father. You can't say you raise your child if you don't even spend any significant amount of time with him? Paying the bills and school fees is one thing but being there to guide and make sure your child isn't unhappy or lost is important. There are a lot of variables involved.

My brother in-law asked me recently if I can remember my life before I became a father and whether I miss the freedom I had. The answer to that is that I have more of a life now than ever. I never did much with the freedom I had before. In fact, I was downright miserable. At least these days I have something to be happy about and live for. That makes a huge difference.

Stranger Anxiety!

2008-11-30T19:21:00.000-08:00

My boy Siddharth is getting more attached to his mother and I as the days go by. At times I can't even leave the room without him making a fuss. He has even started to cry when I leave for work. His mom has to distract him and take him elsewhere when I leave or he will scream bloody murder. It's called separation anxiety from what I have read.

When I come home from work I make it up to him by carrying him to the playground near our house. The boy enjoys our walks. That is the only time he really keeps quiet. He is overwhelmed by all the visual stimulus around him and is particularly fascinated by the other kids playing. Even dogs barking and cars going by make him stare with amusement. Try carrying a 10kg kid for a 45 minute walk around the park everyday. You can cancel your gym membership.

Another fascinating thing is that he has also started having stranger anxiety. Until recently anyone could carry him without him crying but now even his grandma can make him cry and protest if he hasn't seen her for a while. It is interesting because I have read that it is another major milestone for babies. They are more discerning as to who they take to at around 8 months. Siddharth will be 8 months next week, so he is right on schedule.

Today I took him to my auntie's place and he wasn't interested in anyone carrying him apart from me and his mother. It funny to see how dissapointed my relatives were at him tearing up and not taking to them. I tell them it is normal for babies his age to be that way but they probably just think he's being difficult. They really should know better. My cousin has a baby of his own. She is 4 months old and will be going through the same thing when she reaches 8 months. They will find out for themselves.

Some people think babies are play-things that they can manipulate however they want. What they don't realize is that YOU are their play-thing. If they don't want to play with you, they will make it known loud and clear. And if they want you to humour them by playing, they will also make it known, perhaps even louder and clearer. You are at their disposal, not the other way around. The things you learn being a parent are astounding!

Lately..

2008-11-10T23:39:00.001-08:00

Lately I have been trying to write as much as possible and finish the book that I have been working on for more than a year. My new experience as a father comes in handy when developing a few of the characters in my story. I realize no matter how big my ideas are, simplicity is the best way to go. Writing to me is as a form of self-therapy but eventually I do want people to read and enjoy what I am writing. Whether or not it sees the light of day, what matters most is that I am enjoying the process.

As I have mentioned in one of my earlier posts, my working title is "The Middle Road to Nowhere". I have had the story for years but writing it takes time because I am trying to build characters and a plot that has to hold the interest of the reader. Having a story is one thing but writing it in a way that would be entertaining for someone to read is why it takes so long for me. Besides, I don't have that much time to devote to writing these days. Work and family responsibilities come first. I only get to write when my boy goes to sleep at night. A couple of hours a night of writing is all I get. The good thing is that unlike recording music, I don't have to leave home and go to the studio to do it. I really should set up a home studio soon but that will have to wait for now.

My priority now is being here for my boy, especially when I am home from work. Being a father is the biggest responsibility I have ever had. It is also the best thing that has happened to me. I can't leave everything to my wife. That wouldn't be fair to her or me or our boy. He is only going to be reaching his milestones once. I want to be there to share it with him. I am still keeping a diary of what goes on with him everday. Recording what happens now will be invaluable to him in the future. He will learn more about himself and me. I can give it to him as a present when he grows up. My way of seeing it is that my son is me 30 or more years ago. He is my chance of correcting things that didn't go right the first time around. It will be fun going through life with him and making sure he enjoys every moment of it. That would make my life more enjoyable too.

Words worth of songs

2008-10-11T20:25:00.000-07:00

I must have been nuts to think that I could put my songs down in the few days that I had last week. On the upside however, I did come out of the studio with one song that is pretty much done. As usual for me, it is a very personal song that really puts it out there how I feel at the moment. It's a snapshot of where I am now in my life.

The song is called "Siddharth" and is inspired by Wordsworth's "My Heart Leaps When I Behold" and my cheeky little boy. I remember the poem well because I did study literature for a couple of years in school and it is one of the shortest poems I had to memorize. I got inspired by it because of one specific line in it, "The child is the father of the man". If you haven't read it here it is:

My Heart Leaps When I Behold
(William Wordsworth)

My heart leaps up when I behold
A rainbow in the sky:
So was it when my life began;
So is it now I am a man;
So be it when I shall grow old,
Or let me die!
The Child is father of the Man;
And I could wish my days to be
Bound each to each by natural piety.

The simple message of this poem is that children are superior to men because of their purity and sense of wonder that brings them closer to nature. A child can be made happy over the simplest things. For this reason, we should bind ourselves to the child we were so we can be closer to our true nature: "And I could wish my days to be / Bound each to each by natural piety." For me every man is a child first, long before he ever becomes a father. If he can retain the child in him perhaps he may become a better father.

The actual lyrics of my new song are not quite as poetic as Wordsworth's poem. I appreciate poetry but am not very good at writing it. Though I was inspired by the poem I only borrowed one line from it. I did however, incorporate the poem's staccato feel to the music.

The first time my wife heard it she was taken aback because she was expecting a soft sentimental song about our son Siddharth and what came out was an uncompromising bluesy alternative acoustic rocker type song that had attitude and a guitar solo. However, after listening to it twice in the car she was nodding her head and digging it too. You need to pay attention to the lyrics for it to mean something. I hope my son gets it when he is old enough to understand the words. I purposely made sure it was meaningful and not cheesy. The last thing I want is for him to squirm out of embarrassment after listening to it when he's older. Then again a father writing a song for his son can be quite squirm inducing no matter what. So who knows..

Recording

2008-09-22T20:29:00.000-07:00

I will be recording a few songs next week. It's about time. Music is my life and I will not forsake it no matter what else I've got going on. It has kept me sane when I have thought of giving up and inspired me to do things I wouldn't have bothered about otherwise.

I have about a dozen songs and ideas. Some are instrumentals while others follow the standard pop-rock song format. It is just mainly me this time. I am stripping it down. The acoustic guitar will have to carry the songs by itself. No more band for me. I have changed the tuning of my guitar to incorporate playing rhythm and lead at the same time. It is liberating. I am no guitar great like Robert Johnson but I think I can play my own brand or music well enough.

I will put the songs up for streaming once I'm done. Will have to set up a new myspace page because some asshole hacked into my Tragicomedy myspace account last year and I haven't been able to log in since. That's ok. I like the idea of starting over. This time I am going to change the password as often as I can.

I have a song called "Theatre of Life" that is one of the catchiest things I have written. There are a couple more that are catchy in a quirky way because I am going a little off-kilter on these. Have to keep things interesting for myself too instead of just doing the obvious.

Hope it goes well. I only have a short time to record. Family life and work are still the priority at the moment.

Maintenance

2008-09-16T23:40:00.000-07:00

I have had to lose a few kilos in the last few weeks because in addition to having trouble buttoning my pants, I was also feeling a little out of sorts and lethargic. When I checked the scale last month I was shocked to to find out I was about 90kgs. That is almost 200lbs. If I was a boxer I could fight in the heavyweight division.

I don't know why I was shocked because my clothes were all getting tighter by the day. The last straw was when I tried to wear my old wedding suit to a friend's reception and the pants wouldn't fit. My wife and mother-in-law took the opportunity to call me fat and I can't blame them.

Last year I weighed myself regularly to make sure I didn't go over 85kg. That is a decent manageable weight that doesn't require major sacrifice on my part. However a person of my height,5"10, should really be only 78kgs or less. I was around that weight when i got married four years ago. Every year since then my weight has been creeping up.

This year I completely neglected the weighing scale until recently. Maybe it's the baby factor. I see a lot of my friends also balloon up when they have a baby. I guess I am no different. It makes sense for the wife to put on weight. But what excuse do fathers have for packing on the pounds. I guess contentment and happiness could be used as an excuse for letting yourself go but that seems like a cop-out.

Anyway, I have lost about 4kgs in the last few weeks. I am now 86kgs. All I did was cut out the rice and eat less during the day. Since dinner is home cooked there is no way I could avoid that. But rice was kept to a minimum.

I don't have time to exercise so all I do is some push-ups and sit-ups every now and then. It helps. My pants fit slightly better now. My energy level is coming back. It would be good to start swimming and playing football again but I would rather spend my free time playing with my little boy than out kicking a ball or at the gym.

Maintenance is the key. If I let myself go I could easily be over 200lbs and have to buy new pants every so often. Once you start buying bigger pants there is no end to how much bigger you will grow. I am just glad I can still fit into my old pants. My goal is to try to be able to wear the same size pants when I'm 50. My wife might call me vain but I am sure she would prefer me being lean and healthy looking rather than a fat old uncle.

Tabula Rasa

2008-09-13T00:48:00.001-07:00

I first read about John Locke, the 17th Century English philosopher more than a decade ago while taking some philosophy classes as a student at Buffalo State College. Back in the late 17th and early 18th Century Locke had an enormous influence on the development of epistemology, political philosophy and social contract theory. I've forgotten most of his stuff already but his theory of mind still stays with me.

According to Locke, the mind is a "blank slate" or "tabula rasa". People are born without innate ideas. He suggested that “the little and almost insensible impressions on our tender infancies have very important and lasting consequences." He argued that the “associations of ideas” that one makes when young are more important than those made later because they are the foundation of the self. They are what first mark the tabula rasa.

Locke warns against, for example, letting “a foolish maid” convince a child that “goblins and sprites” are associated with the night because the child will forever associate night with frightful things. "Associationism," as this theory would come to be called, exerted a very powerful influence over eighteenth-century thought, particularly educational theory. Educational writers even till today warn parents not to allow their children to develop negative associations because it will cause unnecessary obstacles later in life.

As a parent I can only hope I don't give my child any negative associations while he is in his formative years. There is nothing like giving your son a fearless approach to life so that he feels that there is nothing he can't do if he really wants to. That would be one less obstacle he has to deal with.

My parents were great but if I can avoid their tendency, like a lot of parents from the last generation, to only point out what is wrong rather than to inspire in a positive way, then I will be happy. There are enough obstacles in life without having a child deal with negative associations that will linger on long after you have forgotten about it.

I believe genes play a part. Some people have horrible tempers and others are calm no matter what they are faced with. I attribute some of that to genes. My temper can be horrible at times but I have siblings who are calmer than I am even though we grew up in the same household and with the same parents. I may have inherited my mum's temper while my brother probably got my father's easygoing nature. However I do agree with Locke that the negative or positive associations we have from our childhood play a large part in how we turn out as adults. Most of the obstacles we have in life are in our head. If we can get around that, then half the battle is already won.

Looking forward.

2008-08-30T23:23:00.000-07:00

Seeing how cute our boy is in his numerous cheerful moments throughout the day, my wife told me she is looking forward to having another one in the near future. I was taken aback because just a few nights ago she was struggling with severe breast engorgement, looking frustrated and almost on the verge of tears while I was trying to placate our boy during one of his crying spells brought on by reflux.

Putting aside all the trials and tribulations of taking care of a baby, I like the idea of having another child. We both love kids. Our boy brings us great joy. I would love to have a little girl. My wife wouldn't mind another boy. Our son could use a sibling to play with and bully.

We will probably spend less on the next baby to begin with because we can re-use the stuff we have bought for our boy. However, in the long run it will be a killer. I make enough for us to live comfortably but the cost of raising and educating a child is escalating by the day. I'm not going to think too much about it. If people really thought about the costs of raising children today they probably wouldn't have any. The population of the world would certainly get smaller.

Anyway, right now our priority is to get our boy Siddharth to hit the necessary milestones and outgrow his reflux. Some sort of heat rash has also started to show up on his face. It is probably prickly heat, due to how humid the weather is these past couple of weeks. He rubs his face incessantly at times due to the itch. This morning he woke up with a big scratch on his forehead. We have to keep his fingernails short before he does more damage to himself.

Swimming.

2008-08-18T08:20:00.000-07:00

After watching Michael Phelps at the Olympics I seriously think that individual sports are so much more rewarding than team sports. Although you do rely on your team for events like the relay, most of it is due to individual effort.

When I was about 10 years old I swam in a state competition for my school. All of the kids on our swimming team were from the local club RKC. Our school didn't really have a swimming team but when they found out we could swim well for our age, they put us into the competition. Our mothers got a good trainer to train us almost everyday leading up to the competition.

Although I was a decent swimmer in every event, my favourite events, breaststroke and freestyle, were always given to someone stronger than me. I was left with the choice of backstroke, butterfly and individual medley. No one wanted to do these because they were difficult, so I was given the job. My trainer said that my "form" in these events was not bad and I could work on my speed. They needed someone to fill the spot in these events, so I had no choice. At least I got to compete in individual events rather than just the relay.

I won two bronze and one silver medal. The silver medal is something I am particularly proud of. It was for the 100m individual medley, the hardest one. I had to do the butterfly, backstroke, breaststroke and freestyle and compete against some state swimmers in the other teams. No one expected me to win a medal let alone get silver. It was close. I was leading going into the last lap but the freestyle state champion from the other team overtook me at the finish. By the end of it I almost collapsed from exhaustion because I pushed myself a little too hard. I was just a skinny little kid back then.

After the competition our trainer migrated to Australia and that was the end of my competitive swimming days. I got into football and never went back to swimming seriously ever again.

Looking back I am amazed that I did all that swimming at the age of 10. It has been more than 20 years since then. If I could pick a sport I want my boy to get into, it would certainly be swimming. Whether he'll be the next Michael Phelps is another matter.

18 weeks

2008-08-07T21:14:00.001-07:00

My son Siddharth is 18 weeks now and is a very cheerful and good natured boy when not having problems with reflux and being over tired. The best part of the day for him is when he wakes up in the morning. He smiles from ear to ear and chuckles non-stop the moment he sees our face. All he wants is for us to pick him up and take him around the house. If he gets a good night sleep he will usually have a good day. However, if he is still tired or dealing with reflux, then be prepared to put away any thoughts of having a peaceful day. Everyday is new adventure with our boy.

My wife is in love with her little one and easily forgets the hardships she goes through in terms of lack of sleep, breast engorgement and the like. All he has to do is flash his million dollar smile and all is forgottten. That is the power of a charming little baby who likes to smile when he is in a good mood. His bad moods are easily forgiven because we know it is short lived.

I took my guitar out again a few days ago and played a few tunes for him and instinctively he moved to the rhythm like it was second nature to him. Only after about thirty seconds in did he stop and try to figure out where the sound was coming from by looking at my hands strumming and fretting the guitar. After a while he started reaching for the guitar strings himself. When he couldn't reach it with his hands, he tried it with his legs. However, like all babies, his attention didn't last long. He was looking elsewhere for something to pick up and put in his mouth in no time.

Back to square one.

2008-07-29T21:04:00.001-07:00

Just when I thought things had taken a turn for the better and my boy had overcome his colicky behaviour, it comes back in full force. He is making noise from the time he wakes up until he sleeps, arching his back, kicking and basically not being able to sit still. Day time naps are nonexistent so that makes it worse.

A couple of months ago when he was at the peak of his gassiness, we had to carry him around all day to calm him. It got better after a while but now we are back to square one. The difference is that now, at almost 8kgs, he is 3kgs heavier than he was back then. My poor wife and her mother are having backaches to deal with. I can only help out for an hour or two in the evening when I am home from work, before he goes to sleep and also on weekends.

We have taken him to the doctor numerous times. At almost 4 months now he should be past his colicky stage. The reason for his discomfort at the moment, according to the doctor, is his acid reflux. We have been giving him medication to help control his reflux but so far it doesn't seem to work. He is crying more than ever.

From what I have read, babies will grow out of their reflux eventually. When they are able to sit up comfortably, their stomach will be able to settle a little better and the reflux will go away. That sounds great but for us that is still months away. Having to deal with a fussy baby for one day is hard enough, another few months will wear us out. I am just glad my wife and her mother are able to deal with it. At least they can take turns carrying him. If it was my wife alone attending to the baby, she would collapse in a few days. I would have no choice but to quit work and go back to help her.

My wife is envious of people with easy babies who sleep easily and only stir to be fed or changed. Most babies we come across seem to be like that. From what I'm told only five percent of babies have reflux and are as difficult as ours.

From my own experience most people can't relate to what we're going through. All I can say is that every child is different. If I hear anyone make light of our situation and compare their peaceful little baby to ours, I am going make sure they get more than just a piece of my mind. Likely a piece of my foot.

Happiness

2008-07-19T02:05:00.000-07:00

These days nothing makes me happier in life than seeing my boy smile. He smiles easily and at everyone when he is in a good mood. That makes whatever crappy day I'm having significantly better. I am prone to melancholy and depressive moods sometimes but these days I snap out of it the instant I come home and see him. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I owe him a good and happy childhood just for that.

Like every parent I want to give my boy nothing but the best. I am trying to save as much as I can so that his education in the future will not be compromised. The important thing is that I am here for him when he needs me and will support him in whatever he wants to do in life. That will be worth more than packing him off to an expensive boarding school and hoping he comes out a genius.

My father spent a fortune on my siblings and I growing up. There are four of us and we were all sent to international schools to study and then on to universities abroad. A good education doesn't come cheap as we all know. If you have four kids like my father you're talking about millions. I wonder how he managed it.

Now that I am a father myself, I'm trying to figure out how I will be able to afford to give my son what my father gave me. I certainly wouldn't be able to send him to an international school although it would be nice if he gets an education that gives him a global view of the world that a local school here won't provide.

My wife says it doesn't matter if we can't afford it. An alternative would be to send him to a good Chinese school. I am all for that since he is half Chinese and the level of discipline and achievement in Chinese schools tend to be better than the national Malay medium ones. It would also be an asset for him to be able to read and speak in Mandarin.

All this is rather premature. He is now only 15 weeks old. Our job at the moment is to make sure he hits all the developmental milestones and is a happy boy. Growing up happy is important. How you condition a child during his childhood will affect him for the rest of his life. I wouldn't want him to be a cynical and downbeat person like me. It is like having an albatross around your neck.

At the end of the day education starts at home. Some parents may send their kids to the best schools but if their father never took the time to read them a book or inspire them to learn by making it fun, then it is all for nought. The kid will just sleepwalk through school and have a piece of paper with exam grades to show for it when he graduates. The joy of learning will have passed him by. I'll have to make sure that doesn't happen. Ironically, that won't cost me a thing at all. Just a bit of time and effort.

I have heard people say children owe their parents for bringing them into this world and taking care of them. Now that I have become a parent I totally disagree with that. On the contrary, I owe my son. He doesn't owe me a thing because I wanted to have him. He didn't have a choice in the matter. So it is my job to teach him how to read and write well, play the guitar, swim, kick a ball and whatever else I can offer him. Providing a roof over his head, food on the table and a decent education shouldn't even be mentioned. That is a given.

New Songs!!!

2008-07-18T07:56:00.001-07:00

Lately I have been getting emails from people who are still interested in getting a copy of my last album "Songs That Won't Sell". That album was released 3 years ago but due to a new video and single "Time Well Spent" being played on HITZ.TV, there has been renewed interest and people wanting to get a copy of the cd. The bad news is that it is no longer available in the stores. However I can send a copy to anyone who is interested if they send me an email with their details.

I have also written a bunch of new songs that I hope to record in the near future. Being busy with family life and having work responsibilities doesn't make it easy for me to spend time on my music. However, as long as I am alive and still writing songs, I will try my best to put it out. It doesn't matter if a few hundred or a few thousand get to hear it. If my boy can listen to it one day and realize that his father is not such a square, then it would be worthwhile.

Socrates and his wife.

2008-06-16T00:15:00.000-07:00

"By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher," said Socrates about 2400 years ago. Socrates, it seems became a philospher out of necessity after being kicked out by his wife for being useless and not contributing to the household. Interestingly he never mentioned the role of a good husband in any of his philosophical discourses.

So am I happy or a philosopher?

I have to admit I am happy most of the time these days so there is little need for me to ponder too deeply about anything. But then again I am not the one having to attend to a crying baby all day. It is quite often that I come home from a not so fulfilling day at work to find that my wife had an even tougher day. The look of exasperation on her face is my cue to shut up and try to help out. Sometimes I forget and have to pay dearly for it.

I am lucky. My wife has made sacrifices to stay home with our baby. She is willing to take a couple of years off from work to be with him. We're lucky we can afford it. Paying a stranger to look after our child, especially this early in his life doesn't seem like a good idea. Eventually we will have to but not now. Only when he is able to speak and report back to us on daily events will we be comfortable leaving him at a nursery or daycare. Right now we don't even have a maid to help out. My frugal wife says we can't afford one. She'd rather keep the money and do the housework herself while she is at home.

My boy is 10 weeks old now and is still a little colicky, hence the extra work it takes for my wife to placate him. It will pass by 12 to 16 weeks from what I have read. It has something to do with his nervous system finally getting adjusted to his surroundings and his stomach getting mature enough to handle the wind in his gut. So I guess we have a few more weeks of crying to look forward too.

Now going back to Socrates- if he had gotten a job and helped his wife out at home, he wouldn't have been kicked out of the house and be forced to roam the city, making everyone question authority. The world would have lost out on his most important contribution, which is his dialectic method of inquiry, known as the Socratic Method. Read up on it and you will realise that the scientific method of today as well as political philosophy, ethics or moral philosophy all stem from his dialectical questioning. Eventually, all he got for his troubles was finally being found guilty of corrupting the minds of the youth and sentenced to death by drinking a mixture containing poison hemlock. What a way to go!

I say it's better to make the wife happy so that you in turn can be happy too. No need for the poison hemlock. It doesn't take much. All you need to make her happy sometimes is to lend an ear and let her unload her grievances or maybe help her carry the baby around for a while and change a few diapers. Because if the wife is unhappy there is no way in hell you will be happy. The sooner you learn this the better your life will be.

There is no need to be a philosopher because everyone is a philosopher these days. Everyone has their two cents worth about everything that is going on. It won't make your life any easier though. Sometimes it's better to shut up and put up.

Praying.

2008-06-11T10:53:00.000-07:00

Religion doesn't figure strongly in my life. I stopped praying on a daily basis when I was about 12 because I realized that no amount of praying was going to stop my father from smoking his lungs out at the time. Back in the mid-80's when I was old enough to think for myself, public service announcement ads about lung cancer and the adverse effects of smoking were everywhere. Those were the days when Dunhill, Peter Stuyvesant and other lifestyle brands were still advertising on tv and sponsoring sporting events like the World Cup football and Badminton matches.

Anyway, I was always a sensitive child growing up and seeing pictures of deteriorating and cancerous lungs on billboards and posters everywhere scared the shit out of me. It always triggered the picture of my father puffing away on his cigarrete and looking deep in thought. My father had been smoking since his teens so it wasn't hard to realize that after all those years of puffing away, his lungs were probably well on their way to looking like those deteriorated lungs on the billboards I had been seeing around town.

Since praying didn't help I tried pleading with my father to stop. That was a difficult task because he usually just brushed me aside and told me not to bother him. His argument was that smoking was all he had to calm him down from his work related stress. Those days no one went outside to smoke. They just smoked right there in front of their wives, kids and toddlers. Second hand smoke didn't seem to bother anyone back then.

I was never close to my father and was sent to boarding school in my early teens so I stopped giving a shit about something I had no control over. It must have been annoying to him having a little kid preaching anyway.

My father did quit smoking about 15 years after I stopping pleading with him. By then I was in my late twenties and he was already in his fifties. Better late than never. He did it of his own accord. My mom couldn't persuade him to quit either all those years ago. The only thing that eventually stopped him was the incessant coughing that was keeping him up nights. Luckily it was nothing worse than that. In hindsight if smoking was his worse vice then I should feel lucky. It could have been a lot worse. No raging alcoholics in my family fortunately.

Nowadays I am not bothered by strangers or friends smoking around me. It's their choice. Personally I am used to second-hand smoke and am immune to it. However, when I see a person blatantly smoking in front of my little child and subjecting him to second hand smoke, that is when I draw the line. That is when I am willing to kick that person's ass down the street. However, I need to set a good example for my boy so I am forced to take a deep breath - full of smoke mind you - and walk away while quietly wishing that person gets cancer and drops dead for their lack of consideration. These days more often than not it is a woman doing the smoking, ironic as it may seem. Or maybe not.

My son is 9 weeks old now and it's fun trying to understand all the grunts and noises he makes. They all mean something. You have to try to comprehend what he is trying to tell you early on. Only then will he be happy. Good news is that he is smiling more these day and even laughs when you try to amuse him. That is the result of us paying attention to him to see what he wants. I'd like to think I can tell when he's bored, hungry, uncomfortable or simply needs a nappy change just by the sound he makes. Of course I could be wrong most of the time. My boy and I are still getting to know each other so it will take some time for us to get on the same wavelength. I need to learn his language before he can learn mine.

I have started to pray again but I have yet to learn how to "pray" properly. I never ask for anything because that is not how it works. Being thankful for what I have and saying a few words is all I do. I am just grateful that I have yet to screw things up too badly. God knows it is very easy to screw things up if you don't watch it.

Siddharth.

2008-04-18T21:04:00.000-07:00

My baby boy Siddharth Dejun Chandra arrived safely on April 8 at 13:03. Mother and child are now comfortably back home. Right now he looks more like his mother but it is too soon to tell how he will turn out because he is changing so rapidly. His presence is felt at all times due to his constant demands for suckling. The boy thinks his mother's boobs are an extension of his body.

I won't go on about how having a baby has changed me and how it is the greatest thing in the world because every parent has felt the same. I am still the same person. Only difference is I get less sleep and have little time to think about anything other than my boy.

Fathers are not biologically equipped to really do much apart from diaper change and perhaps carrying the baby around to pacify him every now and then. I say that because when the boy starts to wail uncontrollably and with no end in sight the only thing you can do is pass him to his mother. At that point the only thing that can stop the whole neighbourhood from waking up is to let him suckle on his mom's boobs.

Mothers really have their work cut out for them. It is really tough trying to placate a baby when all he wants is to use you as a pacifier. Feeding is one thing but my boy is using his mother as a human pacifier almost 24 hours a day. We tried using the dummy pacifier on him and he rejected it outright. You should have seen the look of disgust on his face. The boy ain't stupid. He knows what you're up to.

Sometimes I wonder why I always gave my mother such a hard time. If she had to go through anything like what my wife is going through she should have been anointed a saint a long time ago. I hope my son will grow up to appreciate his mother. It's about time I start appreciating my mother too.

Anticipation.

2008-03-18T09:11:00.000-07:00

My father told me a while back that there is nothing like anticipating the birth of your child. I am both anxious and excited about it. As the due date draws closer I keep thinking about all that my wife will be going through during delivery. She seems cool and unworried about it though. Since the talk about the epidural during parentcraft class last month she seems to be looking forward to the delivery. I should remind her that even with an epidural taking away the pain down there, pushing out a 7-8lb baby is still going to be like running a marathon. You need to be strong and have the stamina. It could take 12 hours. Whatever it is, the baby will be coming out one way or another.

Having a baby has brought my wife and I a lot closer together. It's amazing how having something other than ourselves to worry about is all you need to make things better. When that something is what both of you created, the bond becomes stronger.

I know I will love my child passionately but we all know that it takes more than love to raise a child. I want to change diapers and bathe him and make sure everything is taken care of. Of course I can't breastfeed him but I am grateful that my wife can and is willing to.

These days I see a lot of good fathers and mothers around. Many friends of mine have beaten me to parenthood. Looking at them with their kids makes me have more respect for them. These are people who are almost unrecognizable from how they were before having kids. It is inspiring to see them be so loving and responsible. Of course I still see the odd mother whacking her kid in supermarket but that is rare these days.

I don't think I will ever lay a hand on my child. I've been there and felt that end of the stick growing up. It wasn't fun. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. All I want is for my child to grow up happy.

These next few weeks are going to be nerve-wracking for me. I want to be ready when the time comes. The doctor says the baby is already 6.5lbs with another four weeks to go. If he gets too big my wife might need to be induced early. Apparently babies grow an extra 1-1.5lbs in the last few weeks. So that would make my baby about 8lbs if he goes full term. That is a healthy weight for a baby but the mother needs to be able to handle it.

My wife is a small woman so the weight on her pelvic bone might be unbearable by then. As it is even now she is having sleepless nights due to back pain, numbness in her legs and strain on her pelvis.

I have butterflies in my stomach thinking about all this. The bags are already packed and ready to make the trip to the hospital.

The Road.

2008-02-27T20:15:00.000-08:00

After reading The Road by Cormac McCarthy I have realized that the images that words provoke are far more important than the words themselves. Lack of puctuation or conventional structure are also unimportant because we can paint our own picture in our mind without small technical things getting in the way. Who cares about commas and the lack of quotation marks anyway? It is how vivid the images light up in our mind that is important.

The story about a man going on the road with his son in a post-apocalyptic and deadly uncertain world resonates more with me now than ever because I am going to have my own son soon and I have realized that even the hardest and most cynical of men will love their children passionately and do anything to protect them from harsh realities of life. Teaching your son how to survive in the big bad world and yet preserve his innocence is not easy. You shouldn't let cynicism creep in too early.

Another great book I read recently is Kinski Uncut. It is the autobiography of the actor Klaus Kinski. I have only seen a few of his movies like Aguirre, the Wrath of God and Nosferatu but after reading the book I have become a fan of the crazy guy. The book has long been banned and is out of print because apparently it is a little too explicit for some and gives details about a few people who tried to stop it's publication. I heard about the book a long time ago and finally tracked it down on Ebay. It's the best purchase I have made recently.

Kinski was hated by many and was referred to as a "mad genius". He was an extremely hard worker and strove for perfection, but was frequently at odds with collaborators and directors like the great Werner Herzog. Off-screen, Kinski often appeared as a wild-eyed, sex-crazed maniac. The book describes his exploits in detail in the present tense as if everything is unfolding in the moment.

The last part of the book describes how devoted he is to his son. He is already middle-aged by then and sees his son as his last hope for salvation when he has given up on making stupid movies for stupid people. All he wants to do is spend every waking hour with his boy. His periods of separation from the boy and his mother drive him nuts and he is obssessive about being with them. While reading it you are aware that he comes across as an unbalanced psycho but nevertheless he is a psycho who has a lot of love to give and all he wants is some of that love back. His character flaws and struggle within himself makes him strangely sympathetic.

Another book that I have just started is Viktor Frankl's 1946 book Man's Search for Meaning which chronicles his experiences as a concentration camp inmate and describes his psychotherapeutic method of finding a reason to live. I read a little about his theory of logotherapy when I was studying philosophy in College. This book looks like it's another keeper.

Resolutions

2008-01-11T20:47:00.000-08:00

My new year resolutions are usually broken by the second week of the year. However this year I've started a personal diary and am determined to keep it up for as long as I can. I have more to write about these days so I have no excuse.

I am addressing the diary to my baby boy even though he is still three months away from being born. It would be fun twenty years down the line to read what I had to say about impending fatherhood and how I coped with his arrival as well as all the other stuff.

Another resolution I made is to play lead guitar a little better. I am a pretty decent rhythm player but I've only been using the pentatonic scale since I picked up the guitar twenty years ago. There is a lot you can do with the pentatonic but it is time I progressed to the lydian and mixolydian scales. Learning how to sweep pick and use two handed tapping techniques would also be cool. Incorporating these things into my playing would make my songwriting more interesting.

I also need to to make it to the gym at least a few times a week. My sedentary lifestyle is catching up with me and my waistline is expanding by the day. The last thing I need is to buy new pants no matter how uncomfortable I am with how tight the ones I am wearing are these days. It would be better to just lose a few inches off the waist and feel better.

Someone once told me that if you do something for more than 40 days in a row, it will become second nature to you and you won't even have to think about the effort you put into it. It would be just like waking up and brushing your teeth.

I'm going to try it and see if it works. Will get back to you later on that..

Fatherhood

2007-12-10T06:50:00.000-08:00

I found out last week that I am going to have a little boy. The gender wasn't that important to me. I just wanted to know if the baby was well.

It was a relief to find out that he is healthy and growing well in his mummys's tummy. The doctor did a 4D scan which covered everything from head to toe. We could even look into his brain, heart, lungs and kidney. When it got down to the nether regions I had little doubt that we're going to have a big boy in our hands.

I am excited. Can't wait to meet my boy. The ultrasound showed that he sleeps like me with his hand to his mouth. My wife says he even looks a bit like me already. I hope he doesn't look too much like me though. He won't thank me if he gets my nose. He would do much better to look more like his mother.

I don't know how good a father I will be but I know for sure that I am going to have fun with him and spend as much time making sure that he grows up a happy and healthy person. I will try to raise him to have all the self-esteem and confidence that I lacked growing up. That's one thing I will try my hardest to make sure of.

I've been reading up on all things concerning fatherhood lately. I'm going to sing and play lullabies on the guitar so that I can amuse my boy. I've already got a list of children's books that I want to read to him when the time comes. I even know how I want to dress him and comb his hair. When he starts walking I'm going to teach him how to kick a football. The list goes on...

First off I just hope the next few months before his arrival goes smoothly. I may be getting a little ahead of myself but I can't help it. I'm just excited. Millions of fathers in my position have felt the same I'm sure.

Music

2007-10-16T08:58:00.000-07:00

I was a very awkward kid growing up and felt out of place everywhere I went except the football field. There were few years in my early teens in boarding school where I was the best player in sight.

However, by the time I was fifteen or sixteen I had lost interest in football and didn't want to train anymore because it became a chore. All I wanted was to play for fun. Going through the drills or fitness training was not for me. So it wasn't long before I "lost" it and everyone else suddenly became better because they were training and I wasn't. Anyway, by then I didn't care.

Music became my new love and I practically slept with my guitar. Apart from attending classes, all I did was listen to music and mess around on the guitar. I took joy in taking parts of different songs that I liked and rearranging them into something better. I was bad at covering other people songs anyway so it wasn't long before people started asking me if i wrote whatever song I was playing at the time.

So, I guess I became a songwriter by default. I am still writing and playing to this day and even released a couple of albums and EPs. That is something I hope to do for the rest of my life because it gives me a reprieve from the grind of daily life and makes me feel like I am still a kid.

Channeling my expressions through song is rewarding for me and it is sort of a diary of where I am at the time. I have gone from being morbid, depressed and an existentialist to being a hopeful person in love. I used to write dark depressing songs when I was younger. Now my songs tend to explore love and life while looking to the future.

Does my music change me or do I change my music as I become older and more mature? I can't deny that music is cathartic and a form of therapy. Maybe I have not exorcised my demons completely but I have managed to keep them at bay.

I no longer want to kill myself like I did on my first album "Truth and Consequence". My most recent album "Songs That Won't Sell" may have a pessimistic title but the songs are all about the love of my life and how I am "Never Lonely" with her here by my side.

Lyrics speak for themselves. Compare the lyrics of these two songs- "Afterlife" from my first album and "Never Lonely" from most recent.

AFTERLIFE
Sitting in the dark in the back seat
Taken for a ride
But I think that I'll be going nowhere
I don't believe in any afterlife
Even if I did it wouldn't do me any good

NEVER LONELY
I would never only watch the time go by
I am never lonely with you here by my side
I won't let it show but girl I love you so

Only love has the power to change a person or a song that is being sung. I can't wait for the day when I see my little baby so I have more to write about.

Education

2007-08-30T10:33:00.000-07:00

My wife completed her Master's Degree in Education a couple of months ago and graduated with a distinction. But before she got her results the poor deluded woman put herself through the turmoil of being worried sick for weeks because she thought she was going to fail. Alas all her worries were unfounded, as they usually are. I was never worried. She is the one with the brains in this family.

Seems like an eternity since I had to worry about keeping up the grades and graduating. It has been almost ten years since I last sat for an exam or wrote a paper that would determine if I would get something out of all the years I spent in College. I took it for granted but I really miss those days now.

I wasn't a great student. My lack of direction at the time was no doubt frustrating to my father. Though I was never in any danger of flunking out, my grades were nothing to write home about. Being motivated wasn't one of my character traits. It still isn't.

I had the privelage of studying at the right place though. Liberal Arts was always my strong point and Buffalo State College was the largest liberal arts college in the State University of New York system and offered all the courses I was interested in studying.

Indulging myself in taking classes in Music, Art History, Philosophy, Religion and Broadcasting was great. In fact I was close to graduating with a major in Broadcasting until I started taking too many Philosophy clasess and ended up graduating with a major in that instead.

Even though I didn't come back an accountant, lawyer or a doctor, I studied what I was interested in and met some interesting people. It was during this time that I really learnt how to write songs and use it as a form of expression and catharsis. I do it to this day and it has proven to be the cheapest form of therapy for me.

One thing I will tell my kids, when they finally come around, is to enjoy the time they spend as students no matter what they are studying because they won't get that chance again. It only comes around once. Make the most of it.

Useless emotion

2007-03-23T17:00:00.000-07:00

Any person with a conscience will inevitably feel guilt for the people they have hurt as a result of their anger. Even if they feel the anger is justified, guilt will arise. Guilt leads to depression. Depression is basically anger turned inwards. Nothing good can come of it.

But why are people like me prone "losing it" more often than not? Why can't we look the other way, ignore what makes us unhappy and move on. I am no psychologist so I am not going to attempt to rationalize or answer that. But I certainly need to change before I strain more relationships in my life.

"Anyone can become angry - that is easy. But to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way - this is not easy."

Aristotle said that in his book, The Nichomachean Ethics.

Anger really is a useless emotion. It solves nothing, it doesn't make you feel better, and it causes you to lose control of your behavior. And it's worse than useless, it's dangerous. When in the grip of anger, people make poor decisions, hurt themselves and others.

It has been said that better communication and the use of humour helps. Thinking before you speak and listening before you respond defensively will certainly go a long way. But how often will I remember that when I need to?

Buddhist mindfulness is another thing that I read about. It is a technique that advocates non-attachment to angry thoughts that arise. Basically, one is asked to simply observe one’s anger with disinterest and focus on breathing. In a best case scenario, the anger will dissipate.

Thoughts only acquire force, say Buddhist teachers, when we attach ourselves to these thoughts. Since our inflated egos are our own worst enemies, it pays to think of ourselves as ego-less Buddhas full of infinite compassion, even for the people we attribute our anger to.

Modern psychology borrows heavily from Buddhist mindfulness. Though we may lack the capacity to mindfully dissolve our worst thoughts, we can buy ourselves a few precious seconds before we do something irretrievably stupid. In essence, we can recognize our destructive thoughts as they occur, and then work with them.

I really need to keep a journal of what makes me angry- that would be a very long book I'm sure- perhaps a few dozen volumes. After that I need to find a way to distract myself based on mindfulness. That is my new resolution.

Anger can never be used to get your way. In fact most of the time nobody gives a shit if you are angry or not. At the end of the day you just end up hurting yourself and feeling depressed, or worse perhaps the other way around.

Control the inner beast. If you are thinking of mowing down your boss with a machine gun, for instance, it might be better to take a couple of deep breaths and resolve to take up your grievance at a later time.

If only I can heed my own advice...

You are not your job

2007-03-10T10:19:00.000-08:00

Isn't it funny that one of the first things we ask a person when we meet them is, "What do you do?", as if knowing that will allow you to know the person better.

Are we really defined by what we do for a living? Is that who we are and nothing else?

In ancient Greece a person's profession wasn't as important as who he was in addition to that. No one was lucky enough to be able to do what they love for a living. There was no choice involved. You were born into a trade or initiated into it out of necessity. The first thing people asked was what family you belonged to or who your father was. "Who you were" was where you came from, not what work you did.

Socrates would say that work is only a means to an end and should not interfere with more rewarding philosophical pursuits. According to him the best situation was to be self-employed and not a slave to someone else's trade. It's no wonder that Socrates was known to have lived in relative poverty due to his lack of profession. He can't be accused of being practical because wandering around barefoot and annoying people with philosophical questions isn't going to put food in your stomach and a roof over your head. But he was happy and whatever he did made more of a difference than if he was clocking in from nine to five. Thousands of years later people are still discussing his philosophical ideas.

Personally, I am inclined to take the middle road. In today's world we need to have a skill or some valuable commodity that people are willing to pay good money for. If not you will just collect minimum wage for your time and labour at the check-out counter at the supermarket or loading goods behind the warehouse. That would be a sad waste of whatever talent you may have.

At the other end of the extreme there are people who have so much money that they don't know what to do with it. That is another worry in itself. Having a lot of money means that you have to keep an eye on it. However, is chasing the capitalist ideal with bulging stock portfolios and a hundred and one projects going on all at once really going to make you any happier? The stress of it all may take years off your life and the irony of it is that you may not live long enough to enjoy all the money you have made anyway.

I have to agree with what the character Tyler Durden said in the movie "Fight Club".

You are not your job.
You are not how much money you have in the bank.
You are not the car you drive.
You are not the contents of your wallet.
You are not your fucking khakis.
You are the all-singing, all-dancing crap of the world.

Love and the Will-to-Life

2007-03-07T08:29:00.000-08:00

In his work "The Symposium" Plato declared that a man without love is like a creature with only half its limbs. If you folow Plato's reasoning you could say that I am a creature with all my limbs attached and working. As fortunate as I am, like every creature on earth I take what I have for granted. I am no romantic although I can be very silly and affectionate with the ones I love. My wife may lament my lack of romaticism but she will agree that I am not lacking in love and affection for her.

The greatest romantics are usually those who are pursuing love and have yet to find it or are in the process of wooing. During my days as a loner or rather a loser, I was able to grasp the nature and necessity of love although I didn't have it at the time. Loneliness really makes you see things in a different light.

Philosophers have not traditionally been impressed by the trivial tribulations of love but Schopenhauer, one of my favourite philosophers, had a different take on things. He believed that love is important and never accidental. He had a theory, the "will-to-life", that states that there is an inherent drive in human beings to stay alive and reproduce.

Even the most cynical career-minded individuals will be driven to be in the position to reproduce if only because of attraction to the opposite sex. The continuation of the species is seldom on our minds when we ask for a phone number because we are split into conscious and unconscious selves. The intellect and human-will are two different things. The "human-will" always wins over the intellect which explains why even the most intellectual people are capable of the stupidest things when in love.

I am sure you have wondered at one time or another why you ended up with the person that you're with. "Why him?" or "Why her?". Why weren't you attracted to someone else who may have been more attractive and perhaps more convenient to live with?

Schopenhauer's answer is that our will-to-life drives us towards people who are our opposites. The will-to-life pushes us towards people who can, on account of their imperfections, cancel out our own. For example a flat or large nosed person reproducing with a smaller sharper nosed person promises an offspring with a more attractive nose. Short women will fall in love with tall men but rarely tall men with tall women. It is the neutralisation of the two individualities so that the one-sidedness of each cancels out the other.

Unfortunately, Schopenhauer's theory of attraction also argues that a person who is highly suitable for our future child is almost never very suitable for us. Happiness and the production of healthy children are two radically contrasting projects. Love blinds us for as long as it can. The will of the species is so much more powerful than that of the individual.

Who says we are in control of the choices we make in life?

Beliefs

2007-03-06T04:32:00.000-08:00

Dostoyevsky warned us that those who reject religion "will end by drenching the earth in blood." But hasn't history shown that blood letting has occurred mostly as a result of religions or other belief-systems, not from the people who reject them.

Beliefs create more social problems than they solve. The most dangerous beliefs are those that are elevated to faith. Faith is belief without evidence and this can lead to mysticism and so-called divine intervention. People have slaughtered each other in wars and conflicts over thousands of centuries and still kill each other over faith in their religions. Political ideologies, and philosophies are just as dangerous because they are also part of a belief system. Hitler had his own belief system and didn't need faith in anything other than his own 'will to power" in order to slaughter millions of Jews

Most scientists, politicians, philosophers, and even atheists support the notion that some forms of belief provide a valuable means to establish "truth" as long as it contains the backing of data and facts. But isn't belief a 'belief' because it cannot be backed up by pure facts and empirical data. If we know something for a fact, it will just become common knowledge instead of something you need to believe in or not.

Does rational thinking require us to adhere to beliefs at all? Do we require any attachment to a belief of any kind to have a satisfied life? Can't we just act on data, theories, and facts without resorting to the ownership of belief?

The truth is that all we have is the empirical knowledge we gain through our senses. We can only believe what we see, hear, smell, taste and touch. Anything other than that is likely to be bullshit and one that you can't even smell.

Method Acting

2006-10-28T22:18:00.000-07:00

It's been almost ten years since I graduated from Buffalo State College of the State University or New York. Many things have changed. I have changed. The only thing that remains the same is that I still write the occassional song when I'm inspired. However my guitar is no longer my best friend like it was a dozen years ago. Nowadays it is often neglected in the corner of my room.

Majoring in Philosophy back then didn't give me many job prospects but I did work at the radio station and write jingles and scripts for ads. I was majoring in broadcast copywriting before I got sidetracked into taking too many philosophy classes. When the 1997 financial crisis came I was forced to graduate, get a job or come home. I had enough credits in Philosophy to declare it as my major and graduate so that's what I did. If I had waited another semester or two I could have declared a major in both advertising and philosophy. That would have been a better deal. But necessity breeds invention and things haven't turned out too bad. I am running my own trading company now. Degrees don't mean a thing in the real world anyhow unless you want to work for somebody and more often that not it still doesn't mean a thing. Being self-employed is so much better.

I have stated writing again. Short stories, songs, crappy poetry and now I have something that could turn into a full length book. In fact I have too many ideas and too little time. All I need is to cultivate a little discipline and all things can be done.

The premise for the story I am working on now is: Does art imitate life or does life imitate art? What happens when a method actor analyses so deeply the motivations and emotions of the character he is trying to portray in order to personify him with psychological realism and emotional authenticity and loses himself completely to the character?

What if you lose yourself to conformity, discard your dreams and wake up to find out that you are in your worst nightmare?

Why spend your whole life trying to 'find' yourself when you probably won't like what you see when you find it?

All the characters I write about are pretty dark but no matter how dark it gets it doesn't matter because your eyes will adjust to the darkness and you will see things you didn't see before.